10 Celebrity Baby Names That Prove Their Parents Didn’t Love Them
These days, we pretty much expect celebrities to name their kids something bizarre (because hey, free press) — but some of them are so bad that you can’t help but wonder if these people are such sadists that they aren’t fit for parenthood.
In that vein, we’ve put together a list of what we think are the 10 worst celebrity baby names out there. Please don’t use them as suggestions, lest you someday spend a lot of Mother’s and Father’s Days alone.
Our favorite patron saint of holier-than-thouness, Gwyneth Paltrow, threw hubby Chris Martin under the bus when it came to explaining the genesis of daughter Apple’s name, saying it was all his idea. But she liked it too because “apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome” and “it’s biblical.” Then she realized she was only digging herself a deeper hole and stopped talking.
Nothing screams laziness like naming your kid Kyd, yet that’s what David Duchovny and then-wife Tea Leoni did. We’d lay odds they named their cat Cat too, but it turns out Kyd was named after the poet Thomas Kyd — and what kind of celebrity names their child a freakish name like Thomas?
‘My Name Is Earl’ star Jason Lee must have quite an accommodating baby mama, because few women would agree to name a son Pilot Inspektor (the Kardashians would approve of the alternate spelling, we’re sure). Supposedly, Lee discovered the moniker while listening to a song called ‘He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s the Pilot’ by the band Grandaddy — which doesn’t make the choice any less questionable. But hey, at least he didn’t happen upon Johnny Cash’s ‘A Boy Named Sue.’
John Mellencamp has five kids from three women, and the names went from good to worse — with Speck Wildhorse being the youngest child. He was supposedly named after John’s grandfather Speck, so now we know poor judgment runs in the family.
Zuma Nesta Rock
Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale’s first son was named Kingston, which is kinda cute. But the married rock stars went off the rails with baby No. 2, dubbing him Zuma Nesta Rock — supposedly after their favorite beach. But later, Stefani said she actually “stole” the name from No Doubt bandmate Tom Dumont after his wife rejected it for their own son. Maybe Mrs. Dumont just had better sense.
Penn Jillette gets a pass on “Moxie.” By itself, it’s cute and different. So why did he ruin it by adding “Crimefighter”? He explained it away by saying people never really use their middle names or, heaven forbid, their first and middle names together. Unless, of course, you’re Sarah Michelle Gellar. Or Jennifer Love Hewitt. Or James Earl Jones.
It’s pretty well known that actor Nicolas Cage has an obsession with comic books — after all, he abandoned his Hollywood-royalty surname of Coppola and instead uses Cage in homage to a Marvel Comics character named Luke Cage. So when he had a son, of course he named the kid Kal-El, Superman’s birth name. (He couldn’t have just stuck with Luke?)
Jermaine Jackson isn’t your average run-of-the-mill guy — he’s a Jackson, which means normal isn’t in the DNA. He has nine kids, almost all of whom have J names, so by the time he got to the last one, Jermajesty it was. (On the upside, Jermakin’ Too Many Babies was probably already taken.)
Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen
The late musical legend Frank Zappa was always weird and known for naming his children absurd things, but Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen takes the cake (so to speak). He said he chose Diva because his daughter was loud, and we can only assume the rest fell into place after a lot of hallucinogenics.
What ‘Northern Exposure’ and ‘Numb3rs’ actor Rob Morrow did to his daughter is tantamount to child abuse. Punny names are the worst, and they make the parents who bestow them look like total tools. Especially when the poor kid is in for a lifetime of serenades from the awful musical ‘Annie.’