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Man Sets Toilet on Fire in the Name of Religion

James Crittenden
Louisville Metro Corrections

We have all had semi-religious experiences in the bathroom that could have benefited from the lighting of a match. However, a Kentucky man might have taken that concept a little too far over the weekend, when he set an entire toilet on fire in the name of religion.

Louisville Police say that 36-year-old James Crittenden strolled into the Speedway gas station to use the bathroom and instead of just hanging a duke wreath like a regular person, he unleashed the fury of a wild eyed voodoo pyromaniac and set the toilet on fire.

Frightened by the possibility of the whole gas station going up in flames, store employees faced off with the man who allegedly told them that his flaming crap house routine was for “religious reasons” before dashing out into the night.

When the cops finally showed up, they found the toilet terrorist holding a lighter at a nearby Kroger Food Center where he was screaming at the top of his lungs and “causing alarm” to the public, according to the arrest report.

Police say not only did Crittenden threaten the officers when they tried to arrest him, but he also had bloodshot eyes and reeked of booze. That’s funny, a couple of us arrived to work this morning in a similar condition and so far the bathroom is in tact.

Crittenden was taken to the Louisville Metro Corrections Center where he was charged with arson, alcohol intoxication, disorderly conduct and terroristic threatening.

Unfortunately, this was not Crittenden’s first offense. Last month, police arrested him for huffing cans of Reddi-Wip in the aisles of a Louisville supermarket.

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