Tomorrow my wife and I will find out the gender of our soon-to-be first child.

And I'm now terrified.

It's not the uneasiness of impending first-time fatherdom. It's more like extreme reluctance to bring a child into a world inhabited by Miley Cyrus.

I wasn't always so anti the former Ms. Montana. I've been known to tie up bar room jukeboxes for hours with repeating loops of "Party in the U.S.A". (Don't judge me.) But all that changed Sunday night when the Internet convinced me Miley had just destroyed the futures of all our children.

Guess I missed that somehow during all the twerking.

Are we really this upset?


Willow Smith is still searching the floors of the Barclays Center for her eyeballs. Jaden Smith looks like he just saw the final box office numbers for After Earth. And the Fresh Prince seems like he's about to go into a shell shocked uninterupted tirade of funny noises.

Come on, people.

Literally ten minutes earlier in the VMA broadcast, a square-headed ghost eventually stripped down to nothing but a Halloween wig, mermaid bra and thong. But I'm supposed to be infuriated Miley did a little dirty dancing with some overgrown teddy bears and handsome Beetlejuice?

This kind of uptight public moral outrage hasn't been seen since Janet Jackson gave us all a peek at her unique jewelry collection. I remember it pretty well because that was the same night Justin Timberlake gave a really...awesome...per...for...mance.

Hey, wait a minute. What is it about JT that gets these ladies feeling so ratchet?

Miley Cyrus isn't a role model for America's impressionable minds. Any reasonable young person with little to adequate parental guidance should know better.  She's a 20-year old who gets paid millions to shake what Billy Ray gave her. Shouldn't we all be so lucky?

We got over nipplegate. We'll soon forget about the Mileypacolypse. In fact, I've already moved on to my own personal crisis.

I felt the baby move for the first time Sunday night as I placed my hand on my wife's stomach. He or she was wiggling around like crazy come to think of it -- during Miley's routine.

Is it even possible for a fetus to twerk?


About the author: Matt Ledesma is a millennial pop-culturist with access to an iPad. A former professional journalist, now amateur interweb blogger with no significant change in salary. When not presenting baseless opinions as facts, Matt enjoys the Dallas Cowboys, reading comic books and amassing the most formidable Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle collection in North Texas.