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The Age Old Argument: Toilet Seat Up Or Down?

(Photo Illustration by Christof Koepsel/Getty Images)

OK, I realize that I am going to offend my women readers, but I feel it is my duty to point out the glaring double-standard of the age old toilet seat up or down debate between us men, and you women.

Let me start by saying that I have been trained, after living with two females to lower the seat after I take care of business.  I do this every time I go.  However, I secretly curse every time I put the seat down.

Here are a few of questions for the ladies:

1) Do you have eyes that work?

2) Do you believe in being fair?

3) Do you get mad if we pee on the seat?

Now, what do these questions have to do with whether the seat is up or down?  Simple:

1) Why are women compelled to back onto the seat without looking at it?  Are you afraid that you might turn into a pillar of salt much like Lot’s wife when she glanced back to check out what was going down with Soddom and Gommorah?  The good lord gave you eyes to see.  Use them, instead of backing that thang up like Helen Keller listening to Juvenile.  Just saying.  The only exception would be if you really are blind, or it’s dark in the bathroom.  Then, might I suggest a quick feel of the rim to see if the seat is up or down.  This brings us to question 2.

2) Fairness is all we are asking for.  As a male cohabiting with a female, I am expected to, regardless of time of day or night, circumstance, or whether or not I have been drinking, to check and see if the seat is up or down BEFORE I go.  Seat down? I raise it.  When I’m done, I lower it.  So, as a male, I am doing ALL the work while miss priss can run in any time day or night, plop down and go without a care in the world.  C’mon, really?  Does that arrangement seem fair to you? Question 3 is an offshoot of this.

3) Because I don’t believe it’s fair, sometimes I cheat.  Maybe it’s for spite, maybe it’s because I’m in a hurry, or maybe it’s just because.  More times than I care to admit, I simply GO with the seat down.  No woman will understand the dangers of this since THEY DO NOT HAVE TO AIM!  Sometimes you just don’t know where it’s going to go so you have to compensate after the initial shot, if you know what I mean.  Now, I’m sure I’m not the only guy that does this.  So I ask you ladies, would you rather have to put the seat down, or risk sitting on warm liquid?  Yeah, I thought so.

In conclusion, I just want to be fair.  I put the seat up, you put it down.  Now, was that so hard?


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