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20 Things You’d See With A Gay President

Barack Obama Dancing
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Barack Obama is on the cover of “Newsweek” with the title “The First Gay President.” Obama’s not gay, but what if he was? Here are the 20 Things You’d See With a Gay President:

1. His spouse would have strong, muscular, manly arms . . . so no difference there.

2. Instead of nukes, his biggest issue with the President of Iran would be that tacky jacket!

3. He would constantly be faking assassinations, just so the Secret Service agents would jump on him.

4. He’d issue an executive order to bury Vidal Sassoon at Arlington National Cemetery.

5. He’d appoint Carson Kressley to the newly-created cabinet position of Secretary of Sass.

6. Instead of Camp David, he’d relax at The Container Store.

7. The Secret Service motorcade would be replaced by six shirtless dudes in short-shorts trotting alongside a PT Cruiser.

8. The State of the Union Address would feature back-up dancers.

9. The U.S. would declare war on The Pottery Barn for discontinuing mauve potpourri bowls.

10. Even though he’s DEFINITELY not gay, Jake Gyllenhaal would suddenly take up permanent residence in the Lincoln Bedroom.

11. Ryan Reynolds’ abs would officially be declared a national treasure.

12. He would carry his speeches in a cheetah-print fanny pack.

13. Friday Cabinet meetings would also be “Dress Like Your Favorite ‘Glee’ Character Day”.

14. The only thing in his briefcase would be an absurdly tiny dog.

15. Corruption would be cleaned up.  And so would Congress.  And the White House living room.  And, well, everything would be cleaner.

16. Daily cabinet meetings would be held with both Dolce & Gabbana.

17. The State of the Union Address would begin with a critique of what Congress is wearing.

18. He’d get really annoyed when his advisors didn’t bring “the wow factor.”

19. If he called Nancy Pelosi a “witch,” it’d be in a fun-loving, BFF kind of way.

20. He’d make the traditional call to the locker room of the World Series winner and ask the MVP if he was nude or wearing a towel.

20. Basketball games on the court at the White House would be “skins vs. skins.”

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