33 (funny) Things You Didn’t Know About Thanksgiving

Did you know that the average turkey has 3,500 feathers at maturity? Would you like some more semi-interesting turkey day trivia? Well, then suck down these 33 things you didn't know about Thanksgiving!
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1. Cranberry sauce is neither "cranberry" nor "sauce" . . . but actually a gelatinous compound used by Nike for running shoe insoles.

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2. Never use the turkey baster belonging to your aunt who underwent in-vitro fertilization.

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3. 44 million Americans will travel with their families this Thanksgiving. None of them will enjoy it.

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4. People who decorate their homes for Thanksgiving are lonely and sad.

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5. On the list of things that make you sleep, tryptophan is number two . . . ahead of soft music . . . but way, way behind documentaries by Ken Burns.

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6. At the first Thanksgiving meal, Indians gave the pilgrims pumpkins . . . and pilgrims gave the Indians casinos.

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7. Anderson Cooper slices his turkey with his piercing blue eyes.

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8. Turkey stuffing can consist of cornbread, rice, fruit, and in some parts of Missouri . . . methamphetamine.

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9. If you choose to spend Thanksgiving with your family, you're missing out on incredible deals on HDTVs at Target.

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10. Thanksgiving was invented by the NFL to make Americans watch the Detroit Lions.

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11. Black pilgrims were called "Chill-grims."

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12. General Petraeus always grabs all the breasts and thighs . . . before sitting down for some turkey.

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13. President Obama doesn't just pardon a turkey . . . he also gives it food stamps, free health care and subsidized housing.

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14. The only reason it still exists is so people can carbo-load for their Black Friday shopping.

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15. Though mostly harmless, mashed potato / gravy volcanoes do kill about a dozen people a year.

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16. Almost as many people fall asleep after Thanksgiving dinner as during an Al Gore climate speech.

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17. Mitt Romney's annual tradition is to serve turkey to the poor, then mock them with his rich friends behind closed doors.

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18. In Kim Kardashian's house, the turkey isn't the only plump, round thing that gets stuffed.

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19. There's a special place in Hell reserved for people who serve giblet gravy.

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20. The holiday will cease to exist soon, since the average person under 20 is completely unaware of the word "Thanks."

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21. If you're meeting your date's parents for the first time, a great way to break the ice is shouting out, "So . . . how about that Obama?"

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22. It's not the turkey that makes you so sleepy . . . it's your sad, pathetic, exhausting life.

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23. The Lions play on Thanksgiving because they want to give the people of Detroit one less thing to be thankful for.

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24. Pimps from the 1970s liked to celebrate the holiday by eating a Jive Turkey.

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25. In 1989, President George H.W. Bush was the first president to officially pardon a turkey. Sadly, this is considered his greatest accomplishment as president.

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26. The Wampanoag tribe gave the starving Pilgrims their knowledge on how to cultivate varieties of corn, squash and beans. In gratitude, the Pilgrims gave the Wampanoag tribe smallpox. Moral of the story: Give!

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27. The morning after the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims rushed to stores for great deals on muskets and belts with huge buckles.

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28. If you eat cranberry sauce and Pop Rocks at the same time, you'll explode.

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29. No one has ever actually eaten squash.

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30. Black Friday has now been replaced with Ditch Your Family To Buy A Cheap Xbox Thursday.

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31. The football games always suck. You just don't realize it because you're asleep.

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32. Each year, your intense hatred for your extended family deepens.